Am I an abuser, or did I reactively abuse?

And what's the difference...

Apr 17, 2023

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Hi!

“See?!?” My ex said to me, pointing at the TV remote I’d thrown. “You’re abusive!”

There’s nothing I could say in response. I was ashamed of myself. I’d been raised in a very abusive home and now was in a very abusive relationship. I’d told myself that I’d never grow up to be like my mother, yet here I was, screaming and throwing things.

But… there was something not quite right to me about owning the term “abusive.” When I thought of abusers, like my mother and my then partner, they lashed out unpredictably and in reaction to seemingly…nothing.

Yet I’d screamed and thrown the TV remote after days of abuse: days of being called a bitch, screamed at, trying to close a door behind me only for him to bust it open and leave a dent in the wall.

The intention of my abusive action vs. my ex’s seemed different, especially since it’d started because I’d just asked him if we could spend some quality time together.

And I was right, I would learn later.

What I’d done was what’s called “reactive abuse.”

Learn more about what this is below:

In our most recent episode of Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse, Kerry and I tackle the power of reactive abuse to make some narcissistic abuse victims feel crazy. And the self-help tip is how to increase the effectiveness of an affirmation by pairing it with a positive behavior.

Listen to it here

What is Reactive Abuse?

Reactive abuse occurs when a victim of abuse reacts with abusive behavior towards their abuser.

This behavior is a response to the abuse they have experienced and is a defense mechanism to protect themselves.

Someone who is truly abusive desires to have power and control over another person, which is characterized by the use of tactics like intimidation, coercion, or physical violence. When I screamed back and threw something, I was trying to stand up for myself. I was trying to make it all stop. I was trying to defend myself.

If you are wondering whether you are reactively abusing or just an abuser, it's important to understand the dynamics of abusive relationships and consider your relationship as a whole, not one particular moment.

Abusive behavior is characterized by a pattern of power and control. Reactive abuse is a response to the abuse someone has experienced, and it typically occurs after a prolonged period of abuse. It can manifest as yelling, name-calling, or physical violence towards the abuser.

If you are questioning whether you are reactively abusing or just an abuser, it's important to seek help from a therapist, coach, or domestic violence advocate. They can help you identify and understand the dynamics of your relationship, and provide you with resources and support to help you break the cycle of abuse.

Some resources for you:

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