How to handle unhealthy fighting

Hi!

When my now husband and I started dating, we made a commitment to not fight in ways that were unhealthy.

That in no way means that we made that commitment and then just…fought healthy every single point from that time forward.

In fact, my husband and I have done all of the following unhealthy things at some point:

• yelled at each other,

• name-called,

• stormed off,

• slammed doors,

• said “fuck you,”

• threatened a break-up/divorce,

• blamed,

• used “you” statements,

• used words like “always/never,”

• and probably a slew of other ones.

The DIFFERENCE between this relationship and past ones is how we both individually and as a couple have handled those afterward.

1. We’ve set boundaries around our fights. This can look like the structure of a fair fighting agreement or just a verbal commitment. The important part of having boundaries around fights is that you agree not to violate them too. It’s not just about your partner. For example, if we both agree not to yell when we fight, that means I can’t yell back, regardless if my partner yells or not. Enforcing this boundary can look like: “If you continue to yell, I will not participate.” And then if they do continue to yell, calling a time-out or no longer engaging.

2. We learned to call time-outs even if one of us wants to try to resolve it right now. Through my work with couples as well as personally, I’ve learned that calling time-outs is the most valuable way to stop fights from getting out of hand and not having to work as hard to repair. Time-outs need to have specific end-points, no less than 30 to 60 minutes and no more than 24 hours in the future. A way a time-out can be called is, “I need a time-out. Let’s talk in 30 minutes.” If one partner continues to try to fight, we walk away. We hang up the phone. We stop texting back. But when it’s time to re-engage, we do so: “Hey, I’m ready to talk. Are you?” is a way to start it.

3. We’ve repaired. Dr. Gottman describes fights and other acts of disconnection as ways a couple “leans away” from one another. Repair is the act of leaning back in. We’ve both owned our parts in our fights without blaming the other for our behavior: “I’m sorry I yelled. I shouldn’t have done that.” We’ve been clear about our action steps for not doing it again in the future: “I need to remember to call a time-out when I’m feeling that way. I’ll re-read McKay’s Couple Skills too.” And then we hug and do something else together that feels connecting.

4. We’ve gotten outside help when we’ve needed it. It doesn’t matter that I work with couples for a living. It doesn't matter that I’ve gotten training and read So. Many. Books. about healthy relationship skills. Sometimes we need outside help to guide us to try new things. I can think all I want about what I or my partner should do to handle a specific situation, but sometimes we need someone else to guide and support us and/or to offer a new perspective or suggestion.

✍️If you or you and your partner want help on this, consider applying to work with me.

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In our most recent episode of Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse, Kerry and I discuss a particularly dangerous group of people, the Dark Triad Personality Disorders. And today's self-help tip is how to assess if someone you know is a one.

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