Love-bombing vs. romance: how do you tell the difference?
Hi!
My now husband swept me off my feet in the beginning of our relationship. My friends panicked that he was love-bombing me, but I felt certain that wasn’t the case.
I’d been love-bombed before, and while this was delicious and delightful, I didn’t have the same sense of foreboding. I wasn’t finding myself explaining away contradictions, for example. I didn’t feel like I was losing myself or giving in on my boundaries. I was very aware that this person’s actions continued to align with their words.
But for any of us that are dating, it can be helpful to know the difference between true love-bombing (bad) and romance (good).
What is Love-Bombing?
Love-bombing is a manipulative tactic often used by individuals with narcissistic tendencies or those trying to control their partners. It involves showering someone with excessive affection, gifts, compliments, and attention in a short span of time.
The Cleveland Clinic goes further to call it a “form of psychological and emotional abuse.”
The purpose? To make the recipient feel overwhelmed and indebted.
For myself, love-bombing was often followed by something akin to emotional whiplash. I was “perfect,” but suddenly I’m an “awful person.” We’re committed and talking about the future, but suddenly, they don’t think they see that with me. What had felt so amazing and good now felt…terrible. Worse, I felt like I was to blame for what had happened, often because that’s how the abuser/manipulator would pose it.
Characteristics of Love-Bombing:
Intensity: The affection and attention are intense and constant.
Rapid Commitment: Declarations of love or talks of a future together come very early in the relationship.
Isolation: The love-bomber may try to cut you off from friends or family, claiming they're the only one who truly understands or loves you.
Manipulation: Once they feel they have you "hooked," the affection may decrease, and manipulation or control tactics may increase.
What is Real Love?
Real love is a deep emotional connection between two individuals based on mutual respect, understanding, trust, and genuine affection. It grows over time and is nurtured by both partners equally.
In my relationship with my now husband, this is what developed. Yes, it developed quickly, but it was sustained. There wasn’t any whiplash. No sickening awfulness that came after a long heady sprint of good. I could see that his actions aligned with his words, and there was genuine and ongoing efforts to communicate better and resolve conflicts.
Characteristics of Real Love:
Consistency: Genuine love is steady and grows over time. It doesn't rush or push boundaries.
Mutual Respect: Both partners value and respect each other's feelings, boundaries, and individuality.
Trust: There's a strong foundation of trust, and neither partner feels the need to control the other.
Growth: Real love encourages personal growth and supports each other's dreams and aspirations.
Why is it Important to Differentiate?
Mistaking love-bombing for real love can lead to toxic relationships. It's essential to recognize the signs early on to protect oneself from potential emotional harm. Trust your instincts, and if something feels off, it probably is.
✍️If you want to break free of toxic relationships and create a healthy relationship with yourself and others in just 12 weeks, consider applying to work with me.
Resource Recommendations:
Books:
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Amir Levine
How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving by David Richo
Healthy Me, Healthy Us: Your Relationships Are Only as Strong as You Are by Les Parrott
The Better Boundaries Workbook: A CBT-Based Program to Help You Set Limits, Express Your Needs, and Create Healthy Relationships by Sharon Martin
(And if you'd like to read or listen to these books for FREE, you can get 60 days free off at Scribd with a free trial.)
Course:
Complete Guide to Self-Care and Boundary Setting (Use code "TaraSC" to get this for just $9.99!)
How do you know if it's love bombing vs. real love? What signs should we be watching out for when meeting someone new? Does the problem of love bombing only apply to narcissists, or do other people do it too?
In our most recent episode of Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse, Kerry and I share from our personal experience the common mistakes we make separating love bombing from real love.
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