Realization

Hi!

When I got married the first time, it was with a lot of hope. Yeah, my groom had broken our dining room table, bowed up on me, punched walls, broken and/or thrown things, and screamed a lot of bad names at me whenever we fought, but I thought those were fixable.

I got married believing that, believing I had enough power to change those things.

I believed if I could just learn how to communicate better, if I could just let things not “bother” me, if I could be needless…then it’d get better.

Over the course of our nearly 10-year relationship, I tried everything I could: new and different counselors or therapists, couples groups, relationship self-help books, podcasts, popular relationship advice, couples retreats…

I tried to not tell him how I was feeling. I walked on eggshells, made him his favorite meals, advised him on changing jobs since his made him constantly stressed, bought him lavish presents, practiced his love language…I tried to make myself “needed,” so I could “earn” his love. I tried to be small.

Nothing changed. Nothing worked. There might be longer and longer periods of time between the abuse, but the tension was always there. It was always a matter of when, not if.

I still felt lonely and afraid of the person I came home to every night.

But then I found drugs in our house.

And for the first time, things clicked into place, and I came to the realization that…

"A relationship is only as healthy as its least healthy member."

Here, I’d been trying to do all of this work to become this version of myself that I didn’t even recognize…and I wasn’t even the problem. The PROBLEM was that I was in a relationship with someone who was abusive and active in a drug addiction and couldn’t possibly be a healthy partner for me.

Our relationship was only going to be as healthy as he was, and he…wasn’t even close to healthy.

I set some firm boundaries. I couldn’t keep living this way. I couldn’t have drugs around our children.

He failed another drug test, but he said it could just be that the drugs were “still in his system” (it was over a month later). But then his spending got out of control and I discovered he had a secret credit card, and then I found out he’d stolen a significant amount of money from his job.

I hit my breaking point, and I filed for divorce.

But leaving didn’t heal me.

What did was

• learning how to appropriately set and enforce boundaries,

• communicating directly and assertively,

• being able to recognize and respond to gaslighting and other manipulation tactics,

• prioritizing my own self-care and learning how to love and trust myself again,

• identifying unhealthy relationship patterns and behaviors and being able to implement their healthy opposites,

• and dealing effectively with my emotions and the negative traits of my attachment style.

✍️If you want me to show you how to get these things for yourself, consider applying to work with me.

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In our most recent episode of Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse, Kerry and I discuss why some narcissistic exes move on so quickly and easily after leaving a relationship. And the Self-Help Tip is on how to use "containment" for intense emotions like grief.

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