The impact of ADHD on romantic relationships

and an announcement!

Hi!

After my now husband and I moved in together, I started to get constantly irritated. He’d leave lights on whenever he left a room. When I’d ask him to make an appointment, he’d rarely do it. I might say something like, “Hey…you left all of the lights on again,” or “Hey, did you make that appointment yet?” and he’d go around and shut off every light or write himself a note to make sure to call to make the appointment, but he still kept leaving the lights on and he most assuredly kept forgetting to make the appointment.

It started to feel malicious. I mean, how else was I supposed to take it? I’d asked him to do these things, and he KEPT doing them! But it didn’t seem malicious. When I mentioned it, he was sheepish and apologetic. He never got defensive or offended. His actions weren’t the actions of someone with mean or vengeful intent.

It would still take some time for me to realize that ADHD was actually the issue. I’ve worked with many couples where one or both partners have ADHD (and my husband had been diagnosed with ADHD many years before I ever met him), but for some reason, I hadn’t realized those SAME issues would appear in my own relationship.

It wasn’t until I was also diagnosed myself with ADHD earlier this year that I realized how much ADHD had impacted my current relationship as well as all of my previous ones.

Here are the ways that I’ve seen it be an issue in our relationship and in the couples I’ve worked with:

1. Communication Challenges: People with ADHD may struggle with maintaining focus during conversations, which can lead to misunderstandings, missed cues, and frustration for their partners. They might interrupt frequently, lose track of the conversation, or appear disinterested.

2. Inattention and Forgetfulness: Forgetfulness and disorganization are common symptoms of ADHD. This can lead to missed appointments, anniversaries, and other important events, causing frustration or disappointment in relationships.

3. Impulsivity: Impulsivity in people with ADHD can lead to saying or doing things without thinking through the consequences. This can create conflict and strain in relationships, as impulsive actions or comments can be hurtful.

4. Household Responsibilities: In shared living arrangements, such as marriages or cohabitation, the partner without ADHD may feel burdened by a disproportionate share of household responsibilities if the individual with ADHD struggles with tasks like cleaning, cooking, or paying bills.

5. Conflict Resolution: Conflict resolution may be more challenging, as individuals with ADHD may have difficulty staying focused on the discussion and may become easily overwhelmed or agitated during disagreements.

Whether I wanted to admit it or not, as soon as I began dating my now husband, we became an “ADHD Couple.”

Because HE had ADHD, his neurodivergence was going to impact our relationship, and we would have to approach it was a “we” problem. When I later learned I had ADHD too, I learned just how true this is when I started reflecting on my previous relationships with people who hadn’t had ADHD.

Since getting my own diagnosis, I’ve realized just how few resources there are out there for couples where one or both have ADHD, which is why my husband and I are launching a NEW podcast!

Our podcast trailer is out, and starting December 6th, we’ll have a new episode every week on how ADHD impacts relationships, from division of labor to our careers.

***If you have any questions you’d love for us to answer on the podcast, respond to this e-mail!***

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Resource Recommendations:

Books (Affiliate links):

• Adhd & Us: A Couple's Guide to Loving and Living With Adult ADHD by Anita Robertson

• The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps by Melissa Orlov

• The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD by Melissa Orlov

(And if you'd like to read or listen to some of these books for FREE, you can get 30 days free off at Everand with a free trial.)

Course:

• Emotional Intelligence: Master Your Emotions (Use code "TARA15" to get this for just $14.99!)

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