When you're trying to rebuild trust...
Hi!
When I began dating again after the end of my last toxic relationship, I wanted to trust a romantic partner again because of the constant betrayal and deceit I experienced in the past, but I struggled with overwhelming anxiety and fear of being hurt again.
The last thing in the WORLD I wanted to deal with again is discovering something awful about a new partner and feeling like I “should have known better.”
I had to learn how to let people earn my trust instead of just giving it out freely.
This meant:
observing whether people’s actions aligned with their words,
setting and enforcing healthy boundaries,
paying attention to how I felt around the person, and
regularly journaling to keep in touch with how I was thinking and feeling.
As my relationship progressed with my now husband, it helped me—and us!— to put some things into place to continue to build and work on trust.
We implemented a “Weekly Relationship Check-in.”
You can learn more about that here.
I also offer several templates you can use to start implementing this today.
Printable: Weekly Relationship Check-in Journal
Book: Let's Check In: 52 Weeks of Couple Relationship Check-Ins to Improve Your Intimacy and Connection
We also had a “Trust Journal.”
A “Trust Journal” is similar to a relationship check-in, but it helped me (especially in the beginning) to have some time to sit down and put words to things I was struggling with in the relationship.
One of the first things I remember writing down in our “Trust Journal” was, “It’s sometimes hard for me when you’re really nice to me. I love it and WANT you to be nice to me, of course. But sometimes it makes me panic because I worry you’re doing it with some expectation I’m not aware of or that you’re going to throw it in my face later. I know that’s not how you roll and I’m grateful, but I’m working on not projecting old stuff onto you.”
Both of these may seem silly or unnecessary, but for me? Miss Every-Relationship-I’d-Had-Before-Was-Toxic-and-Now-I’m-Terrified? They were imperative in building trust and safety.
✍️If you want to break free of toxic relationships and create a healthy relationship with yourself and others in just 12 weeks, consider applying to work with me.
Book Recommendations:
Here are my other favorite book recommendations to help with rebuilding trust:
Couple Skills: Making Your Relationship Work by Matthew McKay
Love More, Fight Less: Communication Skills Every Couple Needs: A Relationship Workbook for Couples by Gina Senarighi
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships by Marshall B. Rosenberg
(And if you'd like to read or listen to these books for FREE, you can get 60 days free off at Scribd with a free trial.)
In our most recent episode of Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse, Kerry describes why we often initially miss the signs we've met someone toxic. Learn the difference between instrumental and compassionate empathy.
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