Your window of tolerance

Hi!

When I started individual therapy some 20 years ago, I learned about the “different zones of arousal.” No, not…spicy arousal, but the arousal that happens to our nervous systems when we’re attempting to communicate. Our “window of tolerance” refers to when we’re in an optimal space to communicate, especially about difficult or emotional topics.

When we’re in our “window of tolerance,” we feel safe and non-threatened. We honor our own and others’ boundaries. We’re more patient and kind and respectful. As long as we remain in our “window of tolerance,” things will go well, but we can be thrown out of our “window of tolerance” by different things, which depend on our backgrounds, previous experiences, histories, trauma, etc.

For me, what sends me over the deep end is when someone yells at me. If someone yells at me, it’s going to be VERY hard for me not to yell back. So as soon as someone yells at me, I jump into the “hyperarousal” zone or the “fight or flight” mode. In this particular zone, we may yell or threaten to leave the relationship. We may explode. We may say or do things we’ll later be ashamed of. NO communication done when we’re in this space will go well.

But there’s another arousal zone: the “hypoarousal” zone. For me, this gets activated when I feel defeated, helpless, or tired, or after I’ve been in the “hyperarousal” zone and crashed. In this space, no communicate done will go well either because I can’t participate. I’ve shut down and shut off.

Source: https://bodyalchemy.rebeccamridge.com/the-window-of-tolerance/

Understanding your own “window of tolerance” is important because that’s the IDEAL time to have difficult conversations, and when you find yourself moving toward “hyper-” or “hypo-” arousal, you can ask for a break or time-out because you’ll be able to understand and accept that any communication that continues to happen won’t go well.

✍️If you want to break free of toxic relationships and create a healthy relationship with yourself and others in just 12 weeks, consider applying to work with me.

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Resource Recommendations:

Books:

• Love More, Fight Less: Communication Skills Every Couple Needs: A Relationship Workbook for Couples by Gina Senarighi

• Couple Skills: Making Your Relationship Work by Matthew McKay

• Master Your Emotions: A Practical Guide to Overcome Negativity and Better Manage Your Feelings by Thibaut Meurisse

• Communicate Your Feelings (Without Starting a Fight): What to Say and What Not to Say to Your Partner by Nic Saluppo

(And if you'd like to read or listen to some of these books for FREE, you can get 60 days free off at Scribd with a free trial.)

Course:

• Emotional Intelligence: Master Your Emotions (Use code "TARA15" to get this for just $14.99!)

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In our most recent episode of Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse, Kerry and I explore the common difficulties we experience limit setting with narcissists. Instead of a self-help tip, we've answered a listener's question that was emailed to us. She asked how do you know when someone's addiction recovery isn't real.

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